You start getting paranoid.
“we need to talk next week” about..?
You start getting paranoid.
everyone is loaded up in work.. but you.
You start getting paranoid.
programmer number 1, can you do something? No I`m busy, can we do it in 5 minutes?
You start getting really paranoid.
about this thing called work and how it relates to your competence.
I’m really really..
Right now, I could study programming, I could study german, I could play one of the 7 games I bought recently, I could go to sleep, I could watch movies I bought recently, I could read books that I bought recently.
Typing this I realize that I’ve bought a lot of things and I don’t use any of them, this might be a way of me telling myself “hey, go do something”, there’s lot’s of things that I wanna do and yet I don’t do any of them. Why?
I could also come to the conclusion that as with all the other things that I do, when I have to actually CHOOSE to do something, I don’t do it, It’s easier if someone tells me what to do or if I have only a few options. I might need to learn how to PLAN to attack these things.
And that’s a good solution, I will use it and I’ll play one of the games so I get closer to finishing it!
That’s why I love writing, I always get my ideas straight.
And I should be working..
I’ve been thinking lately about how I got into programming, it has been some months since I last posted anything and now I have a job as an ABAP developer, it’s some sort of coding for a major system used on huge companies..
This is totally contraditory for me, I listen to punk/punk rock/hardcore every single day while coding just to remember me what my ideals are, and while I’m half-good at what I do and I’m happy doing it, it still bothers me that I could be doing something more.. noble? I mean, beeing a researcher in this country fucking sucks, the paycheck sucks, but at least you have some sense of nobility!
This all happened because I was discussing Fight Club with people that didn’t understand what the hell Palahniuk meant by that movie/book. “It’s just about fighting”, fuck no, how about “the things you own end up owning you”, “you are not what you own”, etc? it’s one of my favourite movies ever and it is against all this capitalist/consumist crap(that I half like). I think it is up to me to remember what are my ideals, why I do this and why i don’t feel totally confortable with it, keep my mind awake and all that weird stuff.
And no, i’m not unhappy right now, I’m just thinking.
Again, what is my object precisely in writing? If it is not for the beneft of the public why should I not simply re-call these incidents in my own mind without putting them on paper?
Quite so; but yet it is more imposing on paper. There is something more impressive in it; I shall be better able to criticise myself and improve my style. Besides, I shall perhaps obtain actual relief from writing. Today, for instance, I am particularly oppressed by one memory of a distant past. It came back vividly to my mind a few days ago, and has remained haunting me like an annoying tune that one cannot get rid of. And yet I must get rid of it somehow. I have hundreds of such reminiscences; but at times some one stands out from the hundred and oppresses me. For some reason I believe that if I write it down I should get rid of it. Why not try?
Notas do subsolo
Fica ainda uma pergunta: para que, em suma, quero eu escrever? Se não é para um público, não se poderia recordar tudo mentalmente, sem lançar mão do papel?
Assim é; mas, por escrito, isto sairá, de certo modo, solene. O papel tem algo que intimida, haverá mais severidade comigo mesmo, o estilo há de lucrar. Além disso, é possível que as anotações me tragam realmente um alívio. Agora, por exemplo, pressiona-me particularmente uma remota recordação. Lembre-me disso com nitidez há poucos dias e, desde então, ela ficou comigo, qual um motivo musical magoado, que não nos quer deixar. E, assim mesmo, é preciso livrar-se dele. Tenho centenas de tais recordações; mas, de tempos em tempos, uma delas destaca-se das demais e passa a pressionar-me. Não sei por quê, mas acredito que, se eu a anotar, há de me deixar em paz. E por que não tentar?
Sorry if I am rude sometimes, I’m not doing it on purpose.
Sorry If I don`t show how much I like you, I have a little trouble doing that, but don`t doubt it, I like you.
Sorry If I seem a little distant when I`m near you, I’m trying not to screw things up saying stupid things.
Sorry If I don’t let you try to impress me, I’m already impressed.
Sorry if I don’t let you try and treat me well, I’m trying to do it too.
I’m what you created now don’t break me.
I think it’s what both of them are thinking, if not, something close to that
Título: Sam sou eu
Eu sou o que você criou, então agora não me quebre.
Eu acho que é o que eles dois estão pensando, se não, algo próximo disso
It’s good to know that you´re not the only one who is experiencing these things. This will be interpreted in the wrong way.
It’s good to know that you´re not the only one who is experiencing these things.
This will be interpreted in the wrong way.
just thinking, thinking a lot.
I should go have fun instead.
Reading a book is like watching television for me, it almost serves the same purposes.
You sit, you watch tv, your mind goes into a idle state and hours go by and you’re absorbing useless information!
I read, I don’t understand anything of these great novels and time goes by, the difference is that sometimes the information isn’t totally useless.
But how can it be usefull if I can’t understand it?
Why am I writing this?
Edit: Now I remember, I can’t think If I’m reading because I’m using my brain to understand the efing book.. Television just shuts your brain down. In both cases I can’t really think about the things I’ve been doing in this stupid life.